Tuesday, November 2, 2010

I can't act like it didn't happen...

Some people know and many more don't mainly because my heart aches to talk about it! But on Sunday October 17 we found out the most exciting news even though it was shocking as well. A pesky little pee stick showed 2 lines. One being faint but very noticably there. My mind started a wirlwind of emotions including excitement, fear, joy, and worry. All normal emotions when you find out you are bringing a new little one into this world. I had started accepting this news and was so overjoyed with the idea of giving Aspen a sibling so close in age.

Wednesday October 20th is my heart broke and now there will forever be a little piece that is missing. The 20th I had some funny cramping and chalked it up to the normal cramping you can sometimes feel in the first weeks of pregnancy. Then that afternoon I started bleeding. Through some calls to the nurse line and talking with one I learned that my body was going through a natural miscarriage. This baby was leaving us and all the sadness in the world came over me. We had just hit the stage of acceptance and excitement and all of a sudden this precious one was taken from us. They told me that since my body started to miscarry naturally they didn't need me to come in but listed of symptoms to look for that would indicate I needed to be seen.

I have to say that I never truly imagined how I would feel if I was ever put through this situation and I certainly did not know how I would react. But I can say I am handling it a lot better than I ever thought I would. I was pregnant and that will always be my second pregnancy and my second baby. I will always think of myself as a mother of two now but I just never got to meet my second little peanut. I can not act like it did not happen because that would be saying that there was not a life in me and there was.

But I can say is that God has a plan more grand than I can even imagine. He has a purpose and a time for everything. He had bigger plans for that little one with Him and I will entrust Him with my precious child. I am confident that I will someday be pregnant again and that God will give me a new baby to love and cuddle and Aspen will be a big sister. When we will, I do not know but I will trust in God's timing and His precious love for us!

This post is more for me to write out my thoughts of my loss and I know some would be inclined to feel sad for me. And that is ok but also be happy for me because I have learned that even in the hardest of situations I was able to deal with my feelings without anger but with trust and reliance on our perfect and compassionate God who holds us up when we fall and comforts us in our sadness.

"1.O Lord, you have searched me and you know me. 2.You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. 3.You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. 4.Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O Lord. 5.You hem me in--behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me. 6.Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain. 7.Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? 8.If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. 9.If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, 10.even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast. 11.If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me," 12.even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you. 13.For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. 14.I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful," Psalm 139:1-14