I can't act like it didn't happen...

Some people know and many more don't mainly because my heart aches to talk about it! But on Sunday October 17 we found out the most exciting news even though it was shocking as well. A pesky little pee stick showed 2 lines. One being faint but very noticably there. My mind started a wirlwind of emotions including excitement, fear, joy, and worry. All normal emotions when you find out you are bringing a new little one into this world. I had started accepting this news and was so overjoyed with the idea of giving Aspen a sibling so close in age.

Wednesday October 20th is my heart broke and now there will forever be a little piece that is missing. The 20th I had some funny cramping and chalked it up to the normal cramping you can sometimes feel in the first weeks of pregnancy. Then that afternoon I started bleeding. Through some calls to the nurse line and talking with one I learned that my body was going through a natural miscarriage. This baby was leaving us and all the sadness in the world came over me. We had just hit the stage of acceptance and excitement and all of a sudden this precious one was taken from us. They told me that since my body started to miscarry naturally they didn't need me to come in but listed of symptoms to look for that would indicate I needed to be seen.

I have to say that I never truly imagined how I would feel if I was ever put through this situation and I certainly did not know how I would react. But I can say I am handling it a lot better than I ever thought I would. I was pregnant and that will always be my second pregnancy and my second baby. I will always think of myself as a mother of two now but I just never got to meet my second little peanut. I can not act like it did not happen because that would be saying that there was not a life in me and there was.

But I can say is that God has a plan more grand than I can even imagine. He has a purpose and a time for everything. He had bigger plans for that little one with Him and I will entrust Him with my precious child. I am confident that I will someday be pregnant again and that God will give me a new baby to love and cuddle and Aspen will be a big sister. When we will, I do not know but I will trust in God's timing and His precious love for us!

This post is more for me to write out my thoughts of my loss and I know some would be inclined to feel sad for me. And that is ok but also be happy for me because I have learned that even in the hardest of situations I was able to deal with my feelings without anger but with trust and reliance on our perfect and compassionate God who holds us up when we fall and comforts us in our sadness.

"1.O Lord, you have searched me and you know me. 2.You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. 3.You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. 4.Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O Lord. 5.You hem me in--behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me. 6.Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain. 7.Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? 8.If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. 9.If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, 10.even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast. 11.If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me," 12.even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you. 13.For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. 14.I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful," Psalm 139:1-14

One day at a time...

One day at a time I can get past this heartache...my heart broke on Wednesday and it's so hard to mend. So please if you are one of belief and faith. Please pray for me, for me emotional and physical healing, and just for hope for what our future will be. My heart breaks for what could have been and would have been but God had different plans I guess. So I pray God since I can't hold that little one to tell them about you...will you hold them and tell them about me?

I don't know what else to type right now because tears just keep on coming. But I will say that fall is all around and Aspen just loves the crunchy leaves and exploring her changing world and watching her brings a whole new outlook on things around me. Have you ever tried to look at things through a child's eyes? I decided to try the other day and got down on her level. I got down on my hands and news and explored the house with her for about an hour that way. The world seems so big and you feel so small...but my little fearless girl took on everything around her without a second thought. She is so completely fearless that it scares me to death at times. But oh how much fun she will be as she gets bigger and even more rambunctious. I definitely think we have a sprts player on our hands with the way she attacks things.

On the school note this week was fall break. The first paragraph though sums up how much it so that it really wasn't a good fall break. There were a couple highlights...but for the most part it just really wasn't the highlight it should have been. I did take the Praxis II and pass with flying colors and I only have 5 and 1/2 more weeks until I'm done with all my classes. Also waiting on Student teaching placement. Beyond that life is just going on and the wheels keep on turning.

So that emotional thing...

It has struck me again! This morning found myself reading these blogs while sweet Aspen slept for her morning nap. And I cried, full blown sobbing. These three blogs are written by some very strong women who have faced the worst fear that anyone who has a child could imagine. They lost their dear sweet ones to circumstances beyond their control.
http://www.rubybaby09.blogspot.com/ Lost her sweet dear Nolan after he was born too soon. She is pregnant again but her dear boy is never far from her mind. His memory and her pain will always be in her life.

http://lovingmy2girls.blogspot.com/ Lost her Sophie at her full term too some overlooked pre-ecclempsia issues. If doctors had taken her blood pressure concerns seriously sooner maybe Sophie would be here today. She has had a son since she lost Sophie but she carries her lost daughter with her everday.

http://onceamother.blogspot.com/ This one hits me hard. This mother gave birth to a full term what she thought was healthy baby girl named Peyton. After the birth they find out that their daughter had infant Leukemia and probably wouldn't make it because treatment would be so hard on such a little body. After about a month they had to say their good-byes and they lost sweet Peyron. She is now pregnant with twins but she also still carries her precious girl with her everyday.

This women have been through the kind of heartbreak that even breaks my heart as a mother. The thought of losing my dear sweet Aspen makes me tear up and I just don't think I could handle that. Being a mother is such a precious gift and not one that comes with ease. Most people don't understand the true heartbreak losing a child is unless they are a mother themselves and felt that amazing connection with such a little person. The connection is strong and the relationship is one not only of family members but of the actual need to have that maybe. After those pesky little pee sticks tell you that you have another life growing in you, you connect this little person with your life, dreams, and desires. You not only want this life but you NEED this life. They are a part of you and you are a part of its.

These blogs about these women make me cry because I don't know the heartbreak but can imagine it after having my own daughter. And I cry because I feel horrible that they will never get to see their children grow up and thrive. But these women don't need my sympathy they just simply ask for the world to acknowledge those babies who are taken from our world too soon. These women probably never dreamed their children and stories would reach and touch the hearts of so many people they don't know or have never met. I am going to start praying for these women on a daily basis. Not only these women but every woman who has ever been in similar shoes to these women and have lost their sweet babies too soon.

So every day I will pray, give Aspen extra hugs and kisses, and remember these sweet children that have become angels and watch over their families. I also ask each of my readers however few there may be that you take a minute to pray for the women out there who have lost their babies. Pray for their comfort, encouragement, and peace and hope to be in their lives.

Since when have I ever been this emotional...

The answer: Since I became a mom!
This one little word and title has been mine for almost a year now! I am a mom, I kiss booboos, give hugs, play goofy games, tickle her just to hear her giggle and adore her sweet little face. God has blessed me with the prestigious title of mom but sometimes I wish he wouldn't have given me such an emotional side with it.

I was the girl that never cried...heck before Aspen was born Randy had only seen me cry a total of 2 times in the total of 3 years. But it's like you become a mom and the emotional dam breaks loose. I tear up with her tears, I tear up with her laughs, and I tear up at the memories of everything. I am tearing up as I write this and I don't even know how to stop it!
I once heard a quote that says, "Deciding to have a child is deciding to forever have your heart outside of you walking around!" And I can't even tell you how much this quote is fitting. Aspen is my special girl and the last couple days have been the worst for me emotionally! Aspen is turning one this month...THIS MONTH! Can you hardly believe that it has been a year? Her party is this Sunday and being the nostalgic one I have been only since her birth I have made the mistake of looking through all her baby pictures. Bad idea!!
Looking at her baby pictures and looking at her now is just crazy. How she has grown, changed, and become this little person right before my eyes. I miss my little baby that would just sit in my arms staring and cooing at me...now she won't sit in my arms but instead runs around and yells loud babbles at me.
Aspen is such a sassy little thing and she has this personality that is so intriguing. I can't wait to see her grow and change more but I will always remember those days of cuddling and rocking. So as I watch my little girl grow and change I will continue to tear up at the memories of past...not because I can truly help it but God bestowed the gift of emotions on moms and as hard as they try not to,  their emotions are always out there for all to see. After all my heart is not in me instead it's running around in the body of a sassy little girl that captured it with her first breath and hasn't given it back since! Being a mom is magical!

Summer days...drifting away...

Well the whole blogging thing over the summer...yeah didn't work out so well. It was a crazy busy summer but it definitely was a fun one. I worked 5 days a week nannying for Jared and Benjamin again. They have gotten so big this last year and it was even harder on the last day this year then last. You put yourself into the lives of the little ones and get attached and then you don't see them all the time anymore. It's definitely weird.

We also took Aspen and heading out to Monroe for a long weekend with Tim, Trina, and Mike. It was great to see Dan, Meg, and their boys. All the boys have gotten so big. The weekend was a blast and all but coming home was a rough transition. Aspen was getting crankier then usual after returning and had a diaper rash thatkept getting worse and never got better. Finally we took her into the pediatrician's to see what the problem was we found out that she had a yeast infection and then they also looked at a little bump on her leg and we found out she also had a staph infection. Thank goodness we caught that early. It was the MRSA strand and was caught so early and she is perfectly fine now but it was definitely scary.

We also had a long weekend out camping while Aspen stayed with Randy's parents. The camping was so fun and we had a great time being baby free, swimming in the lake, reading books for fun, and just laying out in the sun. I got a little burnt but within a week it had all turned to a tan.

Now about 2 weeks ago classes started back up in school. It's my last semester WOOHOO! But it's a crazy crazy one. I am taking 19 credit hours and feel like I never get to see Aspen much. Thankfully she still remembers who I am when I do see her! :) I just keep reminding myself that after this semester I am done and all I have left is the student teaching this spring semester. I am scared/nervous for student teaching but also so excited it should be a fun experience.

Oh and in case you didn't know Aspen is doing GREAT! She's walking all over now and really becoming quite the personality. She turns one in less than a month and I can hardly believe it. I don't know where the time has gone. It definitely doesn't feel like it's been a year already. Her party theme is going to be ladybugs and I am hand-making all the decorations myself so let the insanity begin. Thankfully I made the banner and invites and all over the summer. I'll definitely be putting pictures up after her party in a few weeks.

That's life as of currently and I am writing down "blog" in my planner to make it a more consistent thing. I actually think it will be a nice break from school work. :) I hope everyone else is having a great week and that their labor day is a restful one if I don't blog until until after. God Bless!

The end is here...SO ready!

Tomorrow is my last class for the semester and I am so freaking thankful!! I have been crazy busy this week with my units and all and today finished the one due tomorrow. Thank God for summer breaks from school. The good news is only one more semester of classes and then I have my student teaching the end is near!!! Next year at this time I will be a college graduate!!! WooHoo!

Onto other recent happenings! On April 30, my little bebes turned 7 months old! I can hardly believe she is so old already. It seriously feels like just yesterday we were bringing her home from the hospital. I get teary eyed when I think of her getting so old already! So in honor of her 7 monthday her are her 7 monthday pictures I took! That face is just so stinking precious!!

Then last week we started another journey that we are excited for! We started cloth diapering. If you know me well I never thought I would be able to do cloth diapering because of the gross factor. But the numbers are in our favor when it comes to saving money that way! So the journey has begun. So far I am actually enjoying it and it has not been anywhere near as bad as I thought. So here are some pics of my little stinker modeling in her Bum Genius 3.0 cloth diapers. They are so stinking cute!

On to other matters. This last Sunday was my very 1st Mother's Day and our 2 year anniversary! Randy did very well and I had a great day! I got perfume for our anniversary, a Salon and Spa gift card for Mother's Day, and I suppsoedly have something else coming soon but I'm not allowed to know yet. So we'll see! I hope everyone has had a gret couple weeks and I will try and write soon! God Bless everyone!

The end is near...

School is going to be coming to an end for the semester so soon and I am so excited for summer and all the fun that goes along with that. I'll be nannying again so that will be fun and I get to take Aspen with me so that will definitely be an adventure, but an adventure I am definitely looking forward to.

So to back track a little bit...Aspen's 6 month appointment was great she was 17lbs 2oz and 25 and 1/2 inches long! So pretty average for her age. She had lots of shots which then led to screams in my ears for 5 minutes. And yes most of you would say "Duh! She just had shots!" and yes yes she did BUT stupid mommy thought that the shots were the reason...and no no they were not. The true culprit of all the screams folks was the nurse...the nurse holding down her legs while she gave the shots. Aspen HATES when her legs are being held down and she can't move them. How do we know this you ask, well, the nurse wasn't holding down her leg for one of the shots and Aspen didn't so much as flinch or cry. I have got a very odd baby.

Then a few days I decided I need to do my toe nails and then realized the Aspen's toes needed a little something to...the results is a creepy picture showing how much her feet look like mine...so for your enjoyment...our cute little tootsies.

And because I am good like that...her cute little toes matched her Easter dress. Easter went beautifully and Aspen did very well with all the shuffling around town and from house to house. I was thoroughly surprised with how well she did. She did so well in fact that we had no idea until Monday the day after Easter that her 1st tooth had come in over the weekend. It's crazy how much she is changing and growing. I really wish I would slow down time. But alas, I am not God so that would be impossible. And here is another picture for your enjoyment of my little bebes on Easter with her "basket!" I made the basket myself and painted the letters and added the furry trim...everything...I was so proud at how it turned out. And it was filled with teethers, new pacifiers, a couple rubber ducks(which Goliath decided were his), and the DVD of Snow White. Then of course the weather has FINALLY started to get nicer and we have been going on more walksso of course I decided Aspen has to ride ready for the sun. So one Target trip that was supposed to be for laundry detergent ended with this cute purchase as well...baby sunglasses...who knew they made something so logical for babies too?

With this nicer weather also brings about another one of Randy's favorite parts of the year...can anyone take a guess what? If you guessed baseball....DING DING DING you get a prize. It is baseball season and dear Randy is a very big fan of the Minnesota Twins and he decided he needs to starting training Aspen to cheer for the right team. So the result is this picture...do you think her chewing on the hat means anything?

Just can't get enough of that cute face can you! I can't either...but she is just getting so big and it's scary how much she has been changing...she is getting to the size in fact that its becoming a pain in the tush to lug around her infant seat all the time. Her 17 pounds plus the 10 pound seat is a lot to carry on one arm...so the solution is....TA DA

Her new convertible carseat...a Graco MyRide 65! She actually has 2 one for Randy's car and one for mine. We are so tired of switching carseats back and forth so of course the locial solution is 2 by 2...so 243 dollars(including an awesome new stroller) later we have her awesome new carseats. And if you know anything about her stroller she had it drives Randy and I up the flippin' wall. It has a wheel that squeaks like no other no matter what we do...no amount of WD-40 has been able to stop it and it's gotten to the point where we were avoiding taking walks or anything that involves a stroller... but I am definitely not going to carry her every where. So what does resourceful mommy do...she pulls out every Babies R Us coupon she can find and heads out with Aspen in tow. I'm sure I was quite the sight putting her in numerous strollers and car seats before finding the perfect ones and then making it up to the checkout. Well sort of... a employee had to help drag one of the car seat boxes to the front because there was no way I was able to get both car seats and stroller in the cart. Anywho sorry for the digression. I got up to the register and they did their thing with the coupons and drum roll please...I SAVED $163 with those coupons. The total would have been nearly 400 without those coupons but with them I spent only $243! I'm such a resourceful mommy. Oh...and here is the stroller I got...it's a Trendsport and very sleek looking if I may say so myself...

Oh...and remember how I said that we have 2 carseats one for his car one for mine? Well it's actually not going to be a car for me any more. I am getting my Mommy vehicle. We are getting a 2006 Dodge Grand Caravan and I am sooooo EXCITED. Randy's car finally pooped out and the result is me getting a new van and Randy will drive the Taurus. The extra space will be SOOOOO nice. Ok...I think I am done for now..but will definitely post soon and hopefully with pics of the new ride! :) God Bless Everyone!