A New Year...and the past is in the past

Today is the first of 2011 and with that my mind races. 2010 was a year of so many emotions and roller coaster rides. I got to watch my precious girl grow, start to walk, and see her become a babbling toddler and a little adventurer. I got to celebrate 2 years of marriage with the love of my life. I started and completed my last and final semester of classes at Grace. Got to see the love of friends grow and their beautiful weddings to bind themselves permanently. I got to experience the joy and excitement of the thought of bringing a precious sibling for Aspen into the world.  And the most painful memory and thought of the year is a mere few days later finding out that the precious child that we shared joy over was not meant to join us in out earthly family. But instead that precious angel baby sits in God's lap and is watched over by my great grandmother and Randy's grandmother and waits for us to someday join them.

As much pain as this has brought I can not say my year was the worst either. Because with the precious ones in my life that are there for me every day and that give me the reason to to wake up every day and have brought more joy into my life than ever even thought possible. I am truly blessed and adore Randy and Aspen and they are my daily reminders of how much God loves me and has blessed me over the years. So with these blessings I start a new year and have new hopes, dreams, and life adventures that lay before me. We have so much to look forward to this year like in a mere few days I start my student teaching,  both of us graduating from Grace, the excitement of the unknown as Randy looks for a pastoral position somewhere, and we get another year to watch our precious Aspen grow and learn.

Our God is with us and he knows the plans that have been laid for us. We just have to look forward and enjoy the adventure of life that God has laid before us. With that I look forward to the new year with great hope and anticipation and I can only hope and pray that my friends and family do the same. So here is to the new year, the wondrous mystery of it all, and the hopes that this year brings much joy, happiness, and brings our family closer to God.
And since I have had a lack of pictures in awhile here is my dear Aspen at 15 months...

Today I have gone through a wave of sadness...

It came out of nowhere and I do not know what even brought it on...but I had a wave of sadness today that was hard to break. Christmas day I would have just passed the 14 week mark for the baby I lost. I would be giddy with excitement of the new year and the new baby it would bring. Instead, I found myself holding the little stocking I got for the baby and crying. The stocking that would never be used and would never carry a name but one that represents a piece of my heart. My heart will always be missing that little piece but I have to continue to remind myself that God has a plan far greater than our own and He has a reason for everything in our lives. I can say that Aspen when she is older will know of her little sibling and how much they meant to mommy. So my comfort today came from a women on thebump.com who posts daily encouragement for women on the miscarriage and pregnancy loss board. It's a poem that hit home for me today and I had to share,

Spending Christmas with Jesus this Year

I see the countless Christmas trees
around the world below

With tiny lights, like Heaven's stars,

reflecting on the snow

The sight is so spectacular,

please wipe away the tear

For I am spending Christmas
with Jesus Christ this year.

I hear the many Christmas songs

that people hold so dear

But the sounds of music can't compare

with the Christmas choir up here.

I have no words to tell you,

the joy their voices bring,

For it is beyond description,

to hear the angels sing.

I know how much you miss me,

I see the pain inside your heart.

But I am not so far away,

We really aren't apart.

So be happy for me, dear ones,

You know I hold you dear.

And be glad I'm spending Christmas

with Jesus Christ this year.

I sent you each a special gift,

from my heavenly home above.

I sent you each a memory

of my undying love.

After all, love is a gift

more precious than pure gold.

was always most important

the stories Jesus told.

Please love and keep each other,

my Father said to do.

I can't count the blessing or love

has for each of you.

So have a Merry Christmas

and Wipe away that tear

Remember, I am spending Christmas
with Jesus Christ this year

And another month has gone by...

Not that I have any avid readers or anything but for anyone who has been waiting for another post I am truly sorry for the silence in the last month. Between my miscarriage, the end of my final semester in classes, and the holidays things have gotten insane. So here is the last month in a nutshell:

• Went to the Hearts at Home conference in Rochester, MN and had an amazing time with the women from my church...who knew that playing musical cars on a road trip could be so much fun.
• Aspen pushed through 4 teeth so far just since December 1st and is working on a 5th.
• Thanksgiving was awesome and a much needed break from school before the finals and final week of classes inducement of hibernation.
• Finished my last semester of classes last week.
• So far 5 out of 8 grades have come back and they are all A's! So far I have madde the Dean's list this semester.
• Decorated for Christmas. (See pic below) And even put up a little stocking for the little nugget we lost. Comforting to see the little one represented this Christmas.
• Met and gotten to know the students and teachers I will be working with for my student teaching starting in January.
• Randy turned in a resume to be a youth pastor at a church that sounds like an awesome fit for us. And not we wait until after the first of the year to hear whats going on with that.
• And for the past week have gotten to spend some great quality time with Aspen since this last semester sadly I felt like I cheated her of my time.

So overall a good month and a half and hopefully I will now be able to keep posts coming. I am so looking forward to what is to come. And as promised above here is my favorite little girl trying to be the Christmas tree! She decided the lights looked better on her than on the tree.

[IMG]http://i53.tinypic.com/3502p7p.jpg[/IMG]

I can't act like it didn't happen...

Some people know and many more don't mainly because my heart aches to talk about it! But on Sunday October 17 we found out the most exciting news even though it was shocking as well. A pesky little pee stick showed 2 lines. One being faint but very noticably there. My mind started a wirlwind of emotions including excitement, fear, joy, and worry. All normal emotions when you find out you are bringing a new little one into this world. I had started accepting this news and was so overjoyed with the idea of giving Aspen a sibling so close in age.

Wednesday October 20th is my heart broke and now there will forever be a little piece that is missing. The 20th I had some funny cramping and chalked it up to the normal cramping you can sometimes feel in the first weeks of pregnancy. Then that afternoon I started bleeding. Through some calls to the nurse line and talking with one I learned that my body was going through a natural miscarriage. This baby was leaving us and all the sadness in the world came over me. We had just hit the stage of acceptance and excitement and all of a sudden this precious one was taken from us. They told me that since my body started to miscarry naturally they didn't need me to come in but listed of symptoms to look for that would indicate I needed to be seen.

I have to say that I never truly imagined how I would feel if I was ever put through this situation and I certainly did not know how I would react. But I can say I am handling it a lot better than I ever thought I would. I was pregnant and that will always be my second pregnancy and my second baby. I will always think of myself as a mother of two now but I just never got to meet my second little peanut. I can not act like it did not happen because that would be saying that there was not a life in me and there was.

But I can say is that God has a plan more grand than I can even imagine. He has a purpose and a time for everything. He had bigger plans for that little one with Him and I will entrust Him with my precious child. I am confident that I will someday be pregnant again and that God will give me a new baby to love and cuddle and Aspen will be a big sister. When we will, I do not know but I will trust in God's timing and His precious love for us!

This post is more for me to write out my thoughts of my loss and I know some would be inclined to feel sad for me. And that is ok but also be happy for me because I have learned that even in the hardest of situations I was able to deal with my feelings without anger but with trust and reliance on our perfect and compassionate God who holds us up when we fall and comforts us in our sadness.

"1.O Lord, you have searched me and you know me. 2.You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. 3.You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. 4.Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O Lord. 5.You hem me in--behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me. 6.Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain. 7.Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? 8.If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. 9.If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, 10.even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast. 11.If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me," 12.even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you. 13.For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. 14.I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful," Psalm 139:1-14

One day at a time...

One day at a time I can get past this heartache...my heart broke on Wednesday and it's so hard to mend. So please if you are one of belief and faith. Please pray for me, for me emotional and physical healing, and just for hope for what our future will be. My heart breaks for what could have been and would have been but God had different plans I guess. So I pray God since I can't hold that little one to tell them about you...will you hold them and tell them about me?

I don't know what else to type right now because tears just keep on coming. But I will say that fall is all around and Aspen just loves the crunchy leaves and exploring her changing world and watching her brings a whole new outlook on things around me. Have you ever tried to look at things through a child's eyes? I decided to try the other day and got down on her level. I got down on my hands and news and explored the house with her for about an hour that way. The world seems so big and you feel so small...but my little fearless girl took on everything around her without a second thought. She is so completely fearless that it scares me to death at times. But oh how much fun she will be as she gets bigger and even more rambunctious. I definitely think we have a sprts player on our hands with the way she attacks things.

On the school note this week was fall break. The first paragraph though sums up how much it so that it really wasn't a good fall break. There were a couple highlights...but for the most part it just really wasn't the highlight it should have been. I did take the Praxis II and pass with flying colors and I only have 5 and 1/2 more weeks until I'm done with all my classes. Also waiting on Student teaching placement. Beyond that life is just going on and the wheels keep on turning.

So that emotional thing...

It has struck me again! This morning found myself reading these blogs while sweet Aspen slept for her morning nap. And I cried, full blown sobbing. These three blogs are written by some very strong women who have faced the worst fear that anyone who has a child could imagine. They lost their dear sweet ones to circumstances beyond their control.
http://www.rubybaby09.blogspot.com/ Lost her sweet dear Nolan after he was born too soon. She is pregnant again but her dear boy is never far from her mind. His memory and her pain will always be in her life.

http://lovingmy2girls.blogspot.com/ Lost her Sophie at her full term too some overlooked pre-ecclempsia issues. If doctors had taken her blood pressure concerns seriously sooner maybe Sophie would be here today. She has had a son since she lost Sophie but she carries her lost daughter with her everday.

http://onceamother.blogspot.com/ This one hits me hard. This mother gave birth to a full term what she thought was healthy baby girl named Peyton. After the birth they find out that their daughter had infant Leukemia and probably wouldn't make it because treatment would be so hard on such a little body. After about a month they had to say their good-byes and they lost sweet Peyron. She is now pregnant with twins but she also still carries her precious girl with her everyday.

This women have been through the kind of heartbreak that even breaks my heart as a mother. The thought of losing my dear sweet Aspen makes me tear up and I just don't think I could handle that. Being a mother is such a precious gift and not one that comes with ease. Most people don't understand the true heartbreak losing a child is unless they are a mother themselves and felt that amazing connection with such a little person. The connection is strong and the relationship is one not only of family members but of the actual need to have that maybe. After those pesky little pee sticks tell you that you have another life growing in you, you connect this little person with your life, dreams, and desires. You not only want this life but you NEED this life. They are a part of you and you are a part of its.

These blogs about these women make me cry because I don't know the heartbreak but can imagine it after having my own daughter. And I cry because I feel horrible that they will never get to see their children grow up and thrive. But these women don't need my sympathy they just simply ask for the world to acknowledge those babies who are taken from our world too soon. These women probably never dreamed their children and stories would reach and touch the hearts of so many people they don't know or have never met. I am going to start praying for these women on a daily basis. Not only these women but every woman who has ever been in similar shoes to these women and have lost their sweet babies too soon.

So every day I will pray, give Aspen extra hugs and kisses, and remember these sweet children that have become angels and watch over their families. I also ask each of my readers however few there may be that you take a minute to pray for the women out there who have lost their babies. Pray for their comfort, encouragement, and peace and hope to be in their lives.

Since when have I ever been this emotional...

The answer: Since I became a mom!
This one little word and title has been mine for almost a year now! I am a mom, I kiss booboos, give hugs, play goofy games, tickle her just to hear her giggle and adore her sweet little face. God has blessed me with the prestigious title of mom but sometimes I wish he wouldn't have given me such an emotional side with it.

I was the girl that never cried...heck before Aspen was born Randy had only seen me cry a total of 2 times in the total of 3 years. But it's like you become a mom and the emotional dam breaks loose. I tear up with her tears, I tear up with her laughs, and I tear up at the memories of everything. I am tearing up as I write this and I don't even know how to stop it!
I once heard a quote that says, "Deciding to have a child is deciding to forever have your heart outside of you walking around!" And I can't even tell you how much this quote is fitting. Aspen is my special girl and the last couple days have been the worst for me emotionally! Aspen is turning one this month...THIS MONTH! Can you hardly believe that it has been a year? Her party is this Sunday and being the nostalgic one I have been only since her birth I have made the mistake of looking through all her baby pictures. Bad idea!!
Looking at her baby pictures and looking at her now is just crazy. How she has grown, changed, and become this little person right before my eyes. I miss my little baby that would just sit in my arms staring and cooing at me...now she won't sit in my arms but instead runs around and yells loud babbles at me.
Aspen is such a sassy little thing and she has this personality that is so intriguing. I can't wait to see her grow and change more but I will always remember those days of cuddling and rocking. So as I watch my little girl grow and change I will continue to tear up at the memories of past...not because I can truly help it but God bestowed the gift of emotions on moms and as hard as they try not to,  their emotions are always out there for all to see. After all my heart is not in me instead it's running around in the body of a sassy little girl that captured it with her first breath and hasn't given it back since! Being a mom is magical!