Monday, February 20, 2012

Update and Letter to our Baby Bean...

I have a couple spare minutes to try and give an update so here I am. This past week has been a good one and Valentine's Day celebrations were very sweet here. This weekend we had Randy's parents in town to spend some time with us and it was SO NICE and we absolutely loved having them here. They spoiled us with some meals out which was a nice break from cooking. My grandparents were also able to make it up on Saturday to have lunch with us. I was in heaven. I love them so much and it can be really hard that I can't just pick up and pop in on them spur of the moment like I use to before we moved. Don't get me wrong, I do enjoy our lives here and the people we have with us here but there is nothing like family and it's hard being a distance away from them.
On another note my heart ached a bit yesterday during sunday school with our youth. Randy was teaching and he was talking about Heaven and what it takes to get there. The topic of babies/little children, and unborn babies came up. For the first time since it happened Randy actually brought up the miscarriage we had in October 2010. He told the youth, "When you lose a child a hole is left in your heart, but Kimmie and I take comfort in the fact that we know that someday we know we will meet our baby in Heaven!" I couldn't control myself and my eyes filled with tears. Filled with tears of sadness at the thought of that precious baby we had lost, filled with tears of understanding as he admitted the hole that will always be in our hearts, and filled with tears of joy at the knowledge that we WILL meet that precious baby bean someday. I wrote a letter to our baby bean and I am writing it here just to get it out.
Baby Bean-
We never got to know whether you were a beautiful baby girl or handsome baby boy so mommy decided to affectionately call you baby bean. Mommy just wants to let you know that you are very deeply missed and our lives have never been the same since we lost you. Your short existence in our lives taught us so much. It taught us about love, joy, loss, hope, and strength...overall the biggest one for mommy was strength. Losing you broke mommy and daddy's heart and has left a small hole in it. But that hole proves a goo reminder of you and what you have taught us. After we lost you mommy had a hard time trying to move on. Your big sister Aspen is really what helped me get out of bed in the morning. I would hug her and tell her about she was a big sister to a bean we wouldn't meet here but someday when we went to heaven we would.
You my precious bean are sitting in the lap of our precious God who holds you tight and loves you so much. I can't wait until I get the chance to hug you and hold you and meet you for the very first time. I often wonder what you would have looked like. Would you have daddy's eyes or would you look like mommy, would you like sports or be more into reading...these things I will never know. But I do know that you are loved so deeply that it literally causes an ache in mommy's heart.
I also wanted to tell you bean that you have a little sister. Her name is Bridgette and she is absolutely beautiful.  I am sure that you would have made a great big brother or sister. But know that you will never be forgotten you were our second baby. You are too precious to have ever been forgotten. I am a mommy to 2 beautiful girls and a precious angel that got to climb into the lap of Jesus far sooner that mommy would have liked and watches over us. My heart and arms ache for you and I will always miss you little bean. I will meet you someday and until then will live my life here on Earth and hope to make you proud of your mommy.
Remember that your mommy and daddy love you and can't wait to meet their precious bean.
Love, Mommy

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